“I’d be more okay with it than you think.” The person representing my father spoke these words during my very first Family Constellations Workshop back in 2012. All of a sudden, memories of tiny toys that my dad used to buy for me when I was 4 or 5 years old popped into my head. They were colorful little dolls called Upsy Downsies with fluffy rainbow hair and matching whimsical vehicles. I hadn’t thought about them in over 30 years. It occurred to me that these toys were clearly marketed to little girls rather than little boys, but that didn’t stop my father from buying them for me. But why did I remember them at that precise moment? Could it be true? Maybe my dad would be okay with the fact that his youngest son is gay. Would he have bought me those toys if he wasn’t?
My father died after a long journey with cancer when I was 7. Throughout my adult life, when the topic came up, my mother and older siblings would tell me that if he were alive today he probably would not be okay with me being gay. They were simply basing this on what they had heard him say while he was alive. But here was “dad” in my constellation almost 40 years later saying just the opposite. The memories of those toys seemed to support that statement. Meanwhile, I had no idea that “it’s not okay to be gay” was still lurking in my unconscious mind. I thought I had dealt with that long ago when I came out in college. It didn’t seem to be an issue for me then. Still, I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable when two of my male friends displayed affection for each other on a trip to Disneyland a month before that workshop. That’s one of the many magical aspects of Family Constellations. When something is ready to be healed it will be revealed.
Through my experience with this work, I have learned that our loyalty to our family system can be so strong that we often make choices to the detriment of our own well-being just to belong. We are not aware of this, of course. When these unconscious loyalties are brought into the light, we can make different choices. In my case, I did not realize that I had an unconscious loyalty to my father. There was a false belief buried deep in my unconscious that said being in a romantic relationship with another man was unacceptable and could result in me being excluded from my family. Without knowing it, I sabotaged my relationships or chose partners who were emotionally unavailable. This pattern seemed to keep me safe from exclusion, but it also kept me single.
Thankfully, that day I was given a new point of view. I heard my father say he approves of who I am. His love for me is unconditional, and he only wants me to be happy. Under the guidance of the insightful facilitator, Michelle Blechner (who later became my teacher), I was able to physically experience the support of my parents and all of my ancestors behind me. They were cheering me on to have a happy, healthy relationship. I want you to know your ancestors are cheering you on to go past their limitations too!
Since then, I have been amazed by how comfortable I am sharing that aspect of my life with new people. Before, I would have kept that to myself for fear of upsetting someone or being rejected. Not that I walk around waving a gay pride flag, but I certainly would not be writing about this in a public forum like this if it hadn’t been for that first constellation. And in case you were wondering, I’ve been in a happy relationship with a wonderful man for almost three years now.
Are you ready for a breakthrough? Family Constellations is a powerful healing tool that allows you to break free from unconscious, recurring patterns that are keeping you from a happy, fulfilling life. These patterns can show up as challenges in your relationships, health, career, finances, or all of the above! If you’d like to discover and release any unresolved issues that you might be carrying for your ancestors, please join me at an upcoming workshop or schedule a private session. For more information, look around my website or simply send me an email.
To all of my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ Community, Happy Pride Month! And a big thank you to all of our friends, family, and allies who understand that “love is love.” Together, in the spirit of Family Constellations, let’s honor those brave souls who stood up for equality 50 years ago this month during the Stonewall Riots in Greenwich Village. It’s because of their courage that we have come so far.
Understanding is appreciation, because what you understand you can identify with, and by making it part of you, you have accepted it with love. ~ A Course in Miracles – T-7.V.9